It's been in its web for several days. The web has been getting bigger and so has the spider. How do I know that? Because every time I go out my kitchen door to go to the bin, I see the bloody thing.
It. Is. Massive.
It's only about an inch from front toes to back toes but it's round and solid - like a stone.
I named it: Hercules.
Hercules is NOT my friend.
I've wished that Hercules would get eaten by one of next door's cats. Or pecked at by a bird. Or flicked by an unruly school child who walked all the way up my drive just to do so.
I HATE spiders.
I wish I hadn't wished.
Today, I had a visit from Paul-the-plumber. He said that he would come and go through the back door rather than walk wet shoes through my hallway to get to my kitchen to check the boiler.
To make things easier for him, I went outside and moved one of the rubbish bins that stands in front of the garden gate. As I did so, I felt a large, wet net stretch across the back of my head.
Yes, the wet net was Hercules' home.
Hercules' WEB.
I ran past Paul-the-plumber, screaming, shaking my head violently and running my fingers through my hair, desperately hoping that Hercules had been out for a walk when I'd 'knocked'. I left Paul-the-plumber to do what he needed to and ran around my living room, shaking my head and raking my fingers through my hair while pulling off my cardigan and checking the back of my jeans and down my bra. (Obviously.)
I expected to hear a noise. You know, the sound a seven-year-old boy makes when he jumps off the top bunk. In Wellies. While carrying a small pony.
That would have been the noise Hercules would have made falling from my person.
There was no noise.
After 30 minutes of running/raking/screaming/searching, I gave up. Exhausted.
Hercules' home is still there... but Hercules isn't.
Only time will tell.
Listen for the screams, readers. Listen for the screams.
ROTFL
ReplyDeleteHaving been lunch for many a spider, I can understand your concern. But maybe you've pierced his little eardrums with your screaming and he'll now die a slow death.
Here's hoping.
Maria ~ I'm liking your style!
ReplyDeleteGenerally I love spiders.
ReplyDeleteI do draw the line at our nasties like Redbacks and Funnel-web spiders though.
Hope you get over your fright soon.
Shudder.... it reminds me of my experience last week... I was just getting into bed and saying goodnight to the dog and cat (as you do) when out of the corner of my eye I saw a tarantula (well, maybe smaller) running across the carpet to the safety of a chest-of-drawers by the side of my bed. By now I had all the lights on and proceeded to move everything off the top of the unit so I could pull it away from the wall and find the spider. But it had disappeared off the face of the earth. I didn't sleep at all well that night imagining it was going to reappear and abseil down onto my face at some stage.
ReplyDeleteI heard, years ago, they don't like the smell of conkers. So, I collect them (conkers), and place them on window sills and the fireplace. I think, maybe, they need to be fresh ones, as I also have big momma ones in my home. Eeek!
ReplyDeletePoor Hercules, misunderstood as all spiders are. He looks like a little jewel on his web there.
ReplyDeleteI think it is probable that Hercules was indeed aware of your hostility towards him and perhaps is (as I write and you look all over for him) scuttering away to some government agency (as I am certain that in todays politically correct world there will some board or other that deals with spider discrimination) to report on your discriminatory practices.
All power to Hercules I say!
Yours with deep affection.
Anna :o]
PS As you are aware my icon is that of a spider who happens to be my dearest friend Hermoine (who coincidentally is looking for love) and perhaps if you do come across Hercules again it might be beneficial to point him in Hermoines direction?
PSS I didn't realise that spiders wore wellies - Hermouine doesn't. Do you think something is wrong with her?
Oh dear, Kit, what a horror to be fearful of spiders, but there you have it so beautifully written. At least you have a photo in memory of Hercules and this wonderful piece of writing.
ReplyDeleteAl ~ Urgh! That's all I'm saying!
ReplyDeleteAddy ~ Oh, Lordy, what a horrid thought.
Debbie ~ I heard that, too. I read that putting them (conkers) in corners was the way to go. I was going to try it. Having read your comment, I don't think I'll bother now. Yuck!
Anna ~ I'll leave him a note in case he returns. Tell your spider friend to expect him by Monday.
Yes. Take her to Clarks asap.
Elisabeth ~ To be honest, the photo makes me a little twitchy each time I see it. Might have to post a few times soon so that it leaves the page!
I'm not laughing (fingers crossed behind my back), well not much - sorry! As the reluctant Chief-Spider-Catcher of our house, I've chased many monsters such as him outdoors.
ReplyDeleteNext time, give me a shout!
We had one of those spiders and a balck and orangey colour one on two huge webs in the back garden. I didn't know about them until I was putting the washing out on the line and there they were, dangling from the washing line. I brought the washing in sharpish (didn't want the spiders running along the line and disappearing into my clothes).
ReplyDeleteShrinky ~ Are you nuts?!?!? (I will!)
ReplyDeleteMJ ~ I don't blame you. I'd have done the same :o
Nice one. I had a really clear and hysterical image of you running through the house.
ReplyDeleteTahlia ~ Thanks. I think.
ReplyDelete:)